ABOVE: Yankees third baseman Miguel Andujar cannot bear looking at these charts that he is not on.
BRONX, N.Y. — After failing to sign both Manny Machado and Bryce Harper, Brian Cashman is back on the hot seat for the New York Yankees‘ yawn-inducing offseason, which failed to solve concerns about Miguel Andujar‘s dreadful defense at the hot corner. Many execs feel that the Yankees brass’ compliments of Andujar are merely a facade to build his value to other teams, but Cashman hasn’t budged much from the public stance he took last July, when he said:
“We have been challenged many times to move him or coerced to move him. He is here because of what we think of him. And I mean ‘we.’ His makeup is off the charts. His work ethic is off the charts. His energy is off the charts. And his physical ability is off the charts.”
Most fans and experts have assumed that with spring training already well underway, it’s too late for the Yankees to make a splash and address their biggest weakness. However, in a recent press conference, Cashman revealed one last move that should shake up the free-agent market.
He began, “I’m proud to announce we’ve addressed our team’s biggest need. Today we have signed a five-year, $20 million deal with Staples. Now we can finally have bigger charts.”
Cashman continued, “Now, Andujar’s work ethic, his energy, his physical ability…They’re all on the charts. Which is great, because before, I honestly had no clue where the hell they were.”
When a reporter asked why Cashman omitted mention of Andujar’s makeup, Cashman dismissively retorted “His makeup is still off the charts, as it should be.” After reporters paused in silent confusion, he continued,
“Marker is on the charts. Highlighter is on the charts. But you can’t put his makeup down on paper—that is for his face. His eyeliner is off the charts, too. That’s why he’s our team’s foundation.”
As the press conference began to devolve into a ruckus, Cashman hastily pulled out one of approximately thirty oversize charts from under the podium and held it up over his head. He exclaimed, “Don’t mock me, because you’ll want to make up with me once you see no makeup on my mock-up. I did not make up these figures.”
Meanwhile, some Yankees front office executives expressed frustration after the GM’s recent decision. One exec, who asked to remain anonymous, said “Look, this move does nothing to improve the actual ball club, it only looks like a big move on paper. And that’s only because the paper is now also very big”.
After confirming once more that his identity would not be revealed, the exec continued, “Between you and me, the team has been heading in the wrong direction ever since Brian [Cashman] started hiring all these ‘saberlytics’ guys. Now his obsession with charting everything is off the charts. He’s turning our Front Office into an Office Depot. We need to wean him off the charts. And someday, when he least expects it, I’ll finally put an end to this madness, or my name isn’t Hank Steinbrenner.”
The anonymous exec then pulled out this chart to further illustrate his point.
Cashman is aware of his detractors, but he remains undeterred. “As the first team to try this, we’re now in uncharted territory. I think this will give us the upper hand, but only time will tell whether or not our chart-topping hits. But for now, the most important arguments I’ll start to impart are by far our star’s heart, with smart art: an Andujar bar chart.”
Cashman then cleared his throat and hocked a loogie towards a spittoon sporting the engraved image of Keith Olbermann, but missed and hit Chuck Knoblauch’s mother. He abruptly concluded the press conference, saying, “Don’t ask me to make up my mind. Makeup is for faces, not minds. Maybe I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I’m just ahead of the curve. Maybe it’s Maybelline.”
Thanks to Staples, at least now we can chart Brian Cashman’s location relative to the curve.
Original photo by Brian Rothmuller/Icon Sportswire. All other graphics made by Ben Pernick (@BenjaminPernick on Twitter).
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Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a kind, thoughtful comment… that really made my Friday brighter as well! I’m glad you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And I’ll keep coming out with puns blazing.