Anti-List: I Need Pitching, Send Me Offers

Anti-List is the satire and entertainment section of Pitcher List. Enjoy this article as it’s all in good fun.

I’m looking to make a deal for one starting pitcher as a stopgap until my pitching comes around. Send me offers.

Just so we’re clear: I am writing this message in a position of strength. I have great starting pitching; I just need a guy to fill in innings while I wait for my ace Yu Darvish to come around, which should be anytime. I figure once Darvish is back, Nick Pivetta will have gotten his confidence back and he will be brought back up so I only really need two guys. I mean, I’ll only need three guys for a month or so tops because I have Darvish, Pivetta, Rick Porcello, Sean Newcomb, and Steven Matz. Like I said, my pitching is stacked. I only need four guys — and I’ll probably only need them until the all-star break. At that point, I’ll have to trade away pitching because Kyle Gibson and Jhoulys Chacin will turn it around by then too. I’ll be swimming in pitchers come August. Send me offers.

That said, I’m being realistic. I’m not looking for an ace like Max Scherzer or Jacob deGrom — I don’t want to spend that much. I’ll be happy with like Patrick Corbin, Tyler Glasnow, or Blake Snell. I have a lot of really solid hitters on my bench (Aaron Hicks/Ryan Braun/Garrett Hampson/Yoenis Cespedes) who can really help out someone’s offense. I’m willing to give them up if the offer is right. I also just picked up Kolten Wong and Tim Beckham off the wire today, and they could really help someone out. Send me offers.

So, yeah, send me offers. I’m in such a strong position that I don’t want to send out any offers. I want to see what you guys think my players are worth before I tell you how much they are really worth.

Also, please don’t waste my time with fake offers! Be serious. Send me the most you are willing to give up (and I will try to negotiate for more).

Featured Image by Justin Paradis (@FreshMeatComm on Twitter)

Travis Sherer

All Seattle Mariners fans have learned the future is all we have because the present is always too painful. I am Western Washington University alum, a local sportswriter, an official NCAA basketball statistician, a freelance radio and television production statistician, and a minor league standup comedian. Follow me @ShererTravis on Twitter.

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Comments


Will

You must be eavesdropping on one of the guys in my league because you sound more or less just like him.
Thanks for the laugh!

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