Adam Lawler’s Fictional Player Draft Review
Gods. Heroes. Good guys. The “right way.”
Stupid euphemisms for sanctimonious preachy do-gooders who make excuses when they don’t play to win the game. Make no bones about it, this team plays to win the game.
I drafted those who will win at all costs. Who scorn at the rules, both written and unwritten. Who will drink a beer in the dugout. Who will spit towards the pitcher. Those will kick dirt on the plate. Those that charge the mound. The kind of guys who will rip the heart out of your feel-good story and castigate you as they round the bases.
Call us the villains, the anti-heroes, the people you root against. We embrace your hate. We feed off of it. It gives us sustenance. We are the Yankees or Red Sox, the Giants or Dodgers, the Cubs or Cardinals all rolled into one.
Round 1 – Clu Haywood, 1B
I had to set the tone early. In 1989, Clu Haywood was the American League Triple Crown winner with a .341 average, 48 homers, and 121 RBI. Fantasy leagues typically don’t include playoff performances, so I am comfortable with his in-season destruction and overall demeanor setting the tone for my roster. His contributions to siring families with the opposing catcher’s wife is also a very valuable asset when cultivating hate and distrust from opposing leagues.
Round 2 – Jack Parkman, C
In 1994, Jack Parkman was the biggest free agent acquisition in the majors. He was Bryce and Manny when Bryce and Manny were in diapers. His framing and game calling will be important considering it will help his Abs. He was the best catcher on the board and likely in the draft. A contact first catcher, with a hell of a shimmy, he definitely has some pop that can carry a team when needed.
Round 3 – Ken Griffey Jr., OF
This was definitely my most controversial pick. ’90s kids will look at this pick and scoff at the notion of selecting Ken Griffey, Jr. onto a team filled with villains. Not every player has to be an outright jerk. Some can do it slyly. They can carry a sense of arrogance and entitlement reserved for baseball royalty. He knows how to needle a down-and-out team with a bat flip and a wink. That’s exactly what Griffey did in Little Big League. A welcome addition to our team.
Round 4, Alejandro “Butch” Heddo, DH
Honestly, what can I say that this video doesn’t?
What are you gonna do, cry about it?
Round 5 – Kenny Powers, P
At 19 years old, Kenny Powers won a world series. There’s not another pitcher I would want on the mound during Game 7 of the World Series in the bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, full count. He’s a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a cannon. Plus, he said we could ride his jet ski during the offseason if we cover the gas.
Round 6 – Morris Buttermaker, P
A player-coach who swears, physically assaults, and berates his players for their lack of understanding baseball while possibly drunk is an instant pick. Says a lot for a man who only pitched minor league ball. The perfect man to coach a bunch of dysfunctional nut jobs.
Round 7 – Phillips, SS
It’s about time we brought a little civility and class to this team. Letterman jackets, orange krate bicycles, and grade-A smack talk. A player who understands what it’s like to play on a real diamond. He doesn’t back down from a challenge and has no problem putting a bunch of rag-tag puss lickers in their place.
Round 8 – Ranch Wilder, 2B
HE’S RANCH WILDER. He ended George Knox’s career when sliding spikes up and destroying his knee. He’s cut-throat. A player, manager, and broadcaster. The ultimate triple threat. Oh, and he knows how to take a punch, which is going to be important during the inevitable bench clearing brawls this team winds up in.
Round 9 – Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz, OF
Back when the MLB was on strike in the early ’90s, Knuckleball was the only player to stand up and really call it like it was: the strike was the fans fault and the fans fault alone. He was calling out the taxpayers for being complicit in cathedral stadium construction long before it was cool. He was calling out the fans for idolizing ballplayers long before the steroid era became a thing. When the new strike comes along, just remember that Schwartz says you have nobody to blame but yourselves…and he’s right.
Round 10 – Lefty Maginnis, P
I don’t know much about this guy. He was suggested from a friend. All I know is that he screwed over Babe Ruth. Automatic first ballot Hall of Famer.
Round 11 & 12 – The Baseball Furies, 3B, OF
WAARRRRIORRRSSSS. This is my favorite pick. First off, if you’ve never seen the Warriors, you’ve made a series of poor life choices and you need to look deep within yourself and ask if everything you’ve ever done is a lie. Now, imagine a group of menacing, marauding baseball players chasing you down dark streets wanting to beat the ever-loving hell out of you. Now, imagine that group out patrolling the left side of the field.
(Main photo by Justin Paradis)